New Canadian Law Requires Mandatory Two-Year Service in Broken Social Scene
OTTAWA, Ontario — The Canadian Parliament passed a law yesterday requiring all citizens over the age of 18 to spend…
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Patrick Coyne — Page 37
372 stories found
Teen Tagging Overpass with Anarchy Symbol Must be Home by 6 p.m. or Else
HADDONFIELD, N.J. — 13-year-old “badass” Aiden Christian spent Saturday afternoon skateboarding with friends and spray-painting the anarchy symbol on the…
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Velvet Underground Excited to be Discovered by Incoming College Freshmen
NEW YORK — The legendary art-rock band the Velvet Underground eagerly anticipate the band's upcoming discovery by thousands of college freshmen…
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Phish Manager Asks Fans Not to Tap on Glass Tour Bus Windows
AUBURN HILLS, Mich. — Phish manager Coran Capshaw desperately pleaded with enthusiastic Phish fans last night to stop tapping on…
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I Like Everything Except Rap, Country, and Poor People
I’m a very open-minded person. As such, my tastes and preferences are pretty wide-ranging. On any given day I could…
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Main Character Reassures Final Boss Those Side Quests Meant Nothing to Him
WIDOWBRIAR — Video game protagonist Danaes has reportedly assured final boss the Hollowsplicer, Scourge of Xissan, that the many side quests…
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Man Yelling “FREE BIRD” at Concert Can’t Find Anyone to Adopt His Pet Cockatoo
PHILADELPHIA — Local pet owner Dylan Murphy could not find a suitable adoptive home for his beloved pet cockatoo last…
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The Mooch Breaks White House Speed Run Record
WASHINGTON — Newly hired White House Communications Director Anthony “The Mooch” Scaramucci was fired by President Trump today, after only…
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Loose Cannon Cop Is Less “Lethal Weapon Mel Gibson,” More “Real-Life Mel Gibson”
DETROIT — Self-described “loose cannon” police officer Lance Colt is much less like the renegade hero Mel Gibson plays in…
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Brand New to Write Soundtrack of Your Drunk Dial to High School Ex
MERRICK, N.Y. — Seminal emo/indie rockers Brand New are hard at work writing the soundtrack of your drunken, late-night phone…
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