33-Year-Old Woman Believes Now More Than Ever She Has a Shot With Josh Hartnett
NAPA, Calif. — Local woman Amanda Perez believes that, for the first time in her life, she most likely has…
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Kaitlyn Jeffers
21 stories found
Being Horny for Gavin Newsom Doesn’t Make Me Less of an Anarchist
I am a devout, lifelong anarchist. I was marching for squatters rights when you were getting cut from your fucking…
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Undecided Voters Debate Whether to Burn Cross or Nail Themselves to It
STEVENS POINT, Wisc. — Undecided voters across the U.S. are racking their brains this week trying to decide whether to…
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Trump Merch Guy Is Promised He Can Come Up On Stage and Say One Slur
MACON, Ga. — After five years of paying his dues, the Trump campaign’s top merch guy Dash Howard learned today…
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Nostalgic Ex Just Called to Scream at You for Old Times Sake
CHICAGO — Local ex-boyfriend Dan Bakersfield hit up his ex-girlfriend last night to yell at her “like the good old…
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GOP Loosen Stance on Dead People Voting in 2020
WASHINGTON — The Republican Party has loosened its stance on voter suppression and ballot security ahead of this year’s general…
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Strong Independent Woman Gaslights Self
LOS ANGELES — Psychologists at UCLA announced a breakthrough discovery today in the case study of Allie Terrell, a strong,…
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Democratic Party Finally Defeats Left-Wing Politics
WASHINGTON — The Democratic Party celebrated another milestone today in their continued effort to suppress left-wing politics following Bernie Sanders’…
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Woman Matures From Being Ghosted by Morrissey Fans to Being Ghosted by Radiohead Fans
BURBANK, Calif. — Local punk Janine Kirkwood achieved a personal milestone this month when she finally stopped being ghosted by…
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Post Malone’s Mom Gets “Live Laugh Love” Face Tattoo
DALLAS — Post Malone’s mother Jodie Post unveiled her brand new “Live, Laugh, Love” face tattoo yesterday at her weekly…
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