HUNTINGDON, Pa. — Local homeless man Scotty Yarborough is actively preparing for the end of spring semester at Juniata College where he expects to be…
CHARLEROI, Pa. — Lifelong punk Hunter Burchuk experienced the startling epiphany that moshing is “dumb as hell” during a recent local hardcore show, concerned friends…
Great show last night! Seriously, props. Your new band’s first show was packed with friends, your significant other, your significant other’s friends, your significant other’s…
WINNIPEG, Manitoba — Canadian political punk rockers Propagandhi admitted that they are struggling to write new songs after the death of their creative muse Henry…
OTTAWA, Ontario — Beloved ‘90s singer-songwriter Alanis Morissette updated her classic song “Ironic” to highlight the absurdity that the only attractive member of Limp Bizkit,…
LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Cult Americana legends Murder by Death are celebrating a unique milestone by officially disappointing one million metalheads who were enticed by their…
NASHVILLE — Notorious guitar collector Joe Bonamassa is being praised for saving a mint 1965 Gibson ES-335 from a lifetime of quality songwriting in a…
BURLINGTON, Vt. — Local extremely confused man Kirk Unger struggled to determine if he was hearing a live recording of The Grateful Dead or just…
LOS ANGELES — Alleged pedophile and formerly popular rapper Drake hopes a friend can get him hired at Trader Joe’s until the fallout of his…
RIVERSIDE, Calif. — A judge set the trial date for Martin Ernick, a concertgoer who allegedly showed his entrance ticket to the bouncer who was…
CHARLESTON, S.C. — A new study by the College of Charleston confirms that the majority of shoppers at JoAnn Fabrics espouse stronger and more tangible…
NEW YORK — The ASPCA announced that adoptions have increased over 600% after switching their long-standing advertising music from Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel” with a two-second…
Sunn O))) is a singular band with an undeniable sound and supremely annoying name. Just because “O)))” looks like the letter O being stretched out…
BATON ROUGE, La. — The ghost of Winston Batts, a cobbler and hobbyist clarinetist who died in 1944, is finally inspired enough to begin work…
The miracle of childbirth changes you instantly. When I first saw my goopy baby and heard its cries, my heart swelled; I knew life would…