Early Signs Indicate Child Not a Badass
BUTLER, Pa. — All early signs are revealing that new human being Emery Lloyd is not a badass in any…
Read More →
John Danek
436 stories found
Björk Hogging All the Seeds in Bird Feeder Again
REYKJAVÍK — Enigmatic musical artist Björk is being accused by human beings and birds alike of selfishly and aggressively eating…
Read More →
How To Love Your Man Even Though He’ll Never Be the Snare Sound From Snapcase’s “Caboose”
Relationships are emotional journeys with peaks and valleys. And one of the toughest valleys you may endure is the realization…
Read More →
As the Proud Owner of a $3,200 St. Vincent Signature Guitar, I Think I Know a Thing or Two About Feminism
My life’s march towards being the male embodiment of fourth-wave feminism began the moment I was born. I opened my…
Read More →
“You Gonna Eat That or Can I?” Asks Guy Who Noticed Your Earwax-Covered Earplugs
MADISON, Wis. — Noticing the copious golden earwax covering your Eargasm concert earplugs, a depraved concertgoer at the Riff Palace…
Read More →
Band Not Good Enough to Warrant This Many Bandcamp Emails
RALEIGH, N.C. — Local punk thrashers Suet are using Bandcamp’s ability to send email notifications disproportionately to the level of…
Read More →
Honest Country Song About Small Town Mostly Bragging About Its Three Dialysis Centers
SMITHFIELD, Ind. — A chart-blazing country pop song extolling the qualities of a small town spends most of its length…
Read More →
College Town’s One Homeless Guy Braces for Being Subject of Multiple Photography 101 Final Projects
HUNTINGDON, Pa. — Local homeless man Scotty Yarborough is actively preparing for the end of spring semester at Juniata College…
Read More →
Punk Comes to Sudden Realization That Moshing Pretty Stupid
CHARLEROI, Pa. — Lifelong punk Hunter Burchuk experienced the startling epiphany that moshing is “dumb as hell” during a recent…
Read More →
So Your New Band Just Played Their First Show: How To Accept That No One Is Ever Going To Come See You Live for a Few Years
Great show last night! Seriously, props. Your new band’s first show was packed with friends, your significant other, your significant…
Read More →