KINGSTON, N.Y. — Local woman Kelly Atkins is frustrated with her current apartment, as the listing promised her access to laundry in the basement of…
NEW YORK — Local punks using the bathroom of a supposed dive bar felt betrayed when they realized they could see themselves perfectly in the…
NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — Fans of The Gaslight Anthem were disappointed to learn that the band’s long-awaited reunion tour will be postponed until the band…
WASHINGTON — A new report from the Food and Drug Administration confirmed that the rate of teenagers rhyming the word “cigarette” with the words “night…
CHICAGO — Local underdog and scrappy up-and-comer Luis Pollard could more accurately be described as a dud and a loser to anyone who has ever…
AUSTIN, Texas — Outdoor enthusiasts gathered today to celebrate the opening of a brand new multi-use outdoor space by watching a shitty-looking white guy perform…
ST. LOUIS — Frustrated siblings, Andrea and Nino Shore, finally decided that it was time to sit their aging parents down and give the exact…
SAN DIEGO — The “So-Cal Shimmy,” a brand new novelty party song, is enjoying a quick rise in popularity at weddings across the country because…
The history of socialism is a history of struggle. Since Bernie Sanders invented the idea around 2015, socialists everywhere have been fighting the good fight…
DALLAS — Local woman Claudia Rodriguez was stunned this afternoon upon receiving an email approving maintenance for an apartment she has not lived in since…
LOS ANGELES — Local barista Ashley Campos was dismayed to realize that she was ghosted by a skater exactly seven days after watching a jinxed…
WASHINGTON — Pro-life fundamentalists are rejoicing today after controversial Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett was officially confirmed to the judiciary, sources wondering what it…
SEATTLE — A passionate bout of intercourse between local couple Robert Levin and Andrea MacNeil was put on hold this afternoon to flip a record…
LONDON — Best-selling author JK Rowling announced today that her new novel Troubled Blood will be published anonymously, written entirely in a greentext story on…
RACINE, Wis. — Local accountant and not-much-else Gary Wilkerson is alive despite astronomical odds to the contrary, according to sources who’ve already forgotten his name.…