HARDTIMES

September 8, 2021

I came to Vatican City to pay my respects to the all-time metal God, Ronnie James Dio, and I expected…

September 7, 2021

DES MOINES, Iowa — Liz Connelly, a second-year Applebee’s employee, refused to show three members of nü-metal octet Slipknot to…

September 6, 2021

WINNIPEG, Manitoba — Canadian classic rock band Bachman-Turner Overdrive announced around the crack of noon that they will not be…

December 28, 2020

ARLINGTON, Texas — Local dishwasher Dale Bennett was suddenly imbued with the ability to play every Pantera riff yesterday after…

November 17, 2019

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Former skater and aging punk Brett Ryerson claimed his spot yesterday as the world’s biggest Pulley fan,…

November 3, 2019

Hey guy, take a fucking hint! The lady doesn’t wanna talk to you. I don’t care what she’s wearing. That…

October 31, 2019

POMONA, Calif. — Trick-or-treaters visiting the haunted junkyard behind Old Man Clemens’ house were rewarded with rusted harmonicas handed out…

March 12, 2019

Class is in session, so sit down and shut up! You might actually learn something. The only way any of…

March 6, 2019

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Local pop-punk darlings Break Shot are running out of obscure movie quotes to inspire song titles for…

March 6, 2019

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Local pop-punk darlings Break Shot are running out of obscure movie quotes to inspire song titles for…