Help! I Let Jesus Take the Wheel and He Drove Us to a Ska Festival
I was never a very religious person until recently when my life of sin finally forced me to confront my…
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Doug Kolic
109 stories found
Useless Baby Didn’t Save Marriage
BRANSON, Mo. — A couple who recently welcomed the birth of a beautiful baby boy were inconsolable after it became…
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Lying Sack of Shit Maître D’ Never Passed on Compliments to Chef
DULUTH, Minn. — A local piece of shit maître d’ at an upscale French bistro reportedly never passed on a…
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Help! I’m Being Bullied by the Families of My Victims
Bullying’s an epidemic that’s poisoning society. Take it from someone who has, unfortunately, been a victim of this reprehensible behavior.…
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There’s No Such Thing as a Male Loneliness Epidemic as Long as These Volleyballs I’ve Drawn Faces on Don’t Leave Me
A new buzzed-about phrase that the media has been discussing lately is the idea that men in society are experiencing…
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Directionless Loser Pretty Happy
MESA, Ariz. — A local man, described by everyone who knows him as an unambitious, directionless complete loser, is reportedly…
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If I’m Such a Bad Dad, Why Can My 5-Year-Old Explain the Difference Between a Parlay and a Straight Bet?
It's easy for society to blame parents for all the problems today's youth are experiencing. It’s even easier for society…
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Rare Koala Absolute Fuck Machine
SAN DIEGO — A rare koala discovered at the San Diego Zoo defied its species' reputation for being sedentary and…
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Arsonist Improves Cybertruck
MODESTO, Calif. — A local arsonist who torched a brand new Cybertruck as it sat on the lot of a…
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Dead Punk’s Scattered Ashes Poison Entire Ecosystem
OKLAHOMA CITY — Scientists announced that the ashes of a cremated punk were so toxic that it would likely poison…
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