Nerd Alert: Man Quits Drinking Just Because Doctors, Family Beg Him To
KALAMAZOO, Mich. — Local 55-year-old nerd finally decided to heed the lame warnings of his beloved family and respected medical…
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Doug Kolic — Page 2
129 stories found
Mark Zuckerberg Lingering Around Cubicles Until Someone Notices New Durag
MENLO PARK, Calif. — Tech CEO Mark Zuckerberg is reportedly lingering around the Meta campus in the hopes someone will…
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Dive Bar Unveils Safe Haven Drop Box for Unwanted Bassists
YUMA, Ariz. — Local dive bar The Rusty Splinter announced a new program to accept discarded bassists in a more…
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Trump Threatens Cuba With US-Style Health Care
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump warned Cuba that if they didn’t immediately capitulate to all his demands, he would destroy…
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Stupid Piece of Shit Band Only Able To Muster One Global Chart-Topping Hit
TAMPA, Fla. — Local piece of shit band The Fallen Embers were unabashedly ashamed after only ever creating one global…
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Realistic Hallmark Movie Addresses Affordability of Quaint Small Towns by Setting Meet-Cute at Plasma Clinic
KANSAS CITY, Mo. — The Hallmark Channel announced a new meet-cute release that will be set in a sleepy New…
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Gen X Man Never Able to Match Childhood High of Finding Stack of Pornos in Woods
SCHENECTADY, N.Y. — Local 48-year-old Matt Hull lamented the fact that he was never able to match the joy he…
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Ticketmaster Adds Extra Charge if Artists Play Their Hits
LOS ANGELES — Ticketmaster announced a new policy where they will charge customers an extra tax if their favorite acts…
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Fog Machine Successfully Obscures Bassist
BANGOR, Maine — Members of death metal band Rhino Sphincter expressed relief that the fog machine they rolled out during…
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Punk Cadaver Dog Keeping Skull
SELBYVILLE, Del. — A punk cadaver dog who was in the middle of searching for human remains from a historic…
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