Hey there kiddo, it’s been a while huh? “Achtung Baby” was U2’s seminal 1991 masterpiece, a rejection of their previous efforts, and a shocking explosion into dance and pop for the rock superstars. In this review, I’ll be going track by track, giving my opinion on each. Stop crying and trying to hug me, this is important and you need to hear it. Doesn’t matter why I left, what matters is the innovation that allowed U2 to become immediate masters of the electronic rock craft. No I don’t love your mother anymore.
“Zoo Station”
This track starts the album out with a bang! It is an immediate change from the folksy rhythms of “Rattle and Hum”, which was incidentally the album that was playing when you were conceived. We actually used to dance to “Zoo Station” when you were a little kid, you loved that drum machine! Anyway, this is a rather underrated track, I can’t think of the last time I heard it. Oh wait it was actually playing at this bar I was at last month picking up chicks. You should see the girls in Albuquerque kid. Why would you want to go there with me? Jesus Christ you’re a clingy one.
4.5/5
“Even Better Than The Real Thing”
Is that a song title, or what I call my fleshlight? I’m just joshing, I get strange on the daily. Your dad doesn’t need to use any toys. Ok I guess you’re just gonna leave me hanging. Your mom sure did raise a little asshole. Anyway, this track is pretty dancy, and features Bono in character as The Fly, it’s not my favorite on the record. Speaking of records, do you have any kid music I can take? My daughter is turning four soon and really getting into music.
3/5
“One”
Yeah my daughter? You don’t think I got this hog clipped right? You’re looking at grade A stud meat, gotta spread it around. That’s good for America. “One” is among U2’s most classic and most bullshit songs. Sure it sounds great, but the message is total crap. “One love”? Who does Bono think he is Bob Marley? If we only had one love then I would still be with your mother. Speaking of which, who is she dating now? Are you serious? She married Kyle, our loser neighbor? I always knew he wanted to get into her pants. I don’t care if you keep calling Kyle “Dad”, it isn’t going to make me jealous.
4/5
“Until the End of the World”
This one is a certified shredder and there’s no two ways about it. Bono is singing about some sad shit. Wikipedia says it’s about Jesus and Judas, but I always thought it was about him picking up some slag at a bar and then leaving her in the morning. That reminds me, did your mom ever tell the story of how we met? Well now you know I guess. The Edge totally goes to town in this one. How crazy is it that the band has Bono, The Edge, and then like Adam and Larry. I bet those two don’t lay half as much pipe.
5/5
“Who’s Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses”
Could you grab me another brewski? Running a little low on the tank here. I can just run to the Circle K to grab some more. Wow really? I totally forgot that’s what I said the first time I dipped. How old were you like fifteen? Ok give me a break five is pretty close to fifteen. This track is a little less dancy than the others, but still has a solid rhythm and isn’t a huge bummer like a lot of their older music. This is another U2 classic of course, but it doesn’t pop off like some of the other cuts on this album. Ah yes, Modelo Especial! For an especial guy right? Wanna see me shotgun this shit? Get me a key.
4.5/5
“So Cruel”
This one is a bit of a bummer. All the lyrics are about how sad everyone is when they break up with someone. Let me tell you something, it’s crap. When you leave a shitty relationship, it is better for all parties. I remember when I bounced from here I just drove for hours jamming to “Master of Puppets” and stopping at truck stops to score. Your mother never liked it when I smoked rock, but she couldn’t stop me. I wasn’t the perfect man, I bet she was stoked when I got out of there. Crying for a week and a half isn’t that bad. I did that when Megadeth broke up the first time, and I didn’t even have to nail Kyle to get over it.
3.5/5
“The Fly”
Holy fuck “The Fly” rocks hard. This was the track when The Edge got fed up with Bono’s sentimental crap and just shredded his face off. This was actually the first dance I had with Jeannie at our wedding. I guess I never actually got divorced from your mom so that makes me a bigamist huh? Just like that dude from a few years back. What’s his name, with the hair? Handsome guy. Mitt Romney. By the way who are you voting for? Bernie? Jesus you really turned into a little fruit without me around. Ok shut up this is the best part.
5/5
“Mysterious Ways”
Yeah I had colon cancer. You should probably get checked out for that when you hit forty. Also my dad had a heart attack at like 43. Man I’m getting toasted, let me rest my eyes a second.
4/5
“Trying to Throw Your Arms Around the World”
Hmph. What the hell? Oh sorry I dozed off. This is the part of the record where Bono realizes they need to put some stuff on there for the sentimental bummers of the world, and that’s all they play until the end of the album. Probably that pussy Daniel Lanois’ fault. His songs suck half the time. I’m an Eno-head until I die. He’s Canadian you know. I bet you love Justin from Canada. Isn’t it weird that it’s all the libs that do blackface? And you guys try to call Donnie racist.
2.5/5
“Ultraviolet (Light My Way)”
So this one… hold on I’m getting a call. Hey Jeannie. What’s up babe? Yeah I’m talking to the kid now. Doesn’t know shit about U2. Is Rose there? Put her on. Hey girl, daddy loves you, I’ll be back soon when I’m done with this business trip. No, no one’s crying on my end, might just be the TV. Ok. Love you too sweetie. Bye bye. What are you doing? Trying to let Rose know I’ve got another kid? Why are you such an asshole? I could tell from early on. I probably shouldn’t tell you this but it was your fault I left.
3.5/5
“Acrobat”
Jesus I’m so fucking lonely, even with my wife and kid and all the weird side girls I pick up in biker bars. Acrobat is pretty good I guess. Don’t touch me, nothing gives you the right to do that.
4/5
“Love is Blindness”
“Love is Blindness” ends the album on a moody, heavily instrumental track that focuses on love that is doomed for failure. Bono’s understated vocal performance seems to just get swallowed up by the backing instruments and electronic compositions that dominate the track. I would almost venture to say that this is a precursor to electronic music as a whole. Jesus I think I just shit myself. That’s what you get when you pre-game an album review this hard.
5/5
Summary:
Look there’s no reason why I left. I was just getting suffocated. There’s no grand cosmic plan or anything, it’s all crap. Unlike ‘Achtung Baby’ which is full to the brim with hot tracks, and the occasional dull spot is always quickly followed up with a dynamite scorcher of a song. If only real life was as exciting as this album. You got any recent pictures of your mom? Maybe I’ll drop by to say hello. Oh man, she has kept it tight. Lucky Kyle huh? Anyway I’m running low on suds, I’m gonna hit the Circle K and will be right back to review something by the Dire Straits. Right back. Promise.
4.5/5