ATLANTA — A local weak-ass bitch regularly burdens his friends and family with his personal bullshit after a couple of light beers, according to sources trying to avoid him.
“My therapist said that it’s helpful for me to openly discuss my struggles with those closest to me in hopes of finally getting over my deep-seated trauma, but I like to have a nice buzz going before I can do it,” said 44-year-old lightweight Chandler Burrows. “After bottling up my emotions for decades, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and for the first time in my life I finally feel more comfortable in my own skin, after a few Mike’s Hard Lemonades, of course. I was a bit hesitant at first because I didn’t want to be an imposition on anyone, but I can confidently say that I believe my loved ones totally appreciate and support my candor.”
One of Chandler Burrows’ close relations holds a slightly different opinion on the matter.
“I wish this guy would just shut the hell up already,” stated Donna Burrows, wife of 15 years. “There’s nothing more unattractive than your husband opening up about himself. I miss the days when I’d ask him how his day was and he’d just shrug and mumble ‘good,’ instead of now, when I have to listen to him drone on about how his boss gaslighting him reminds him of how his older siblings used to treat him. I love the guy, but I wish he’d just bottle that shit up, or at the very least be a man and spiral after drinking something less embarrassing like Jack Daniel’s or Johnnie Walker.”
Psychologist Matt Bunting explained that many men misunderstand what it means when they’re told they need to talk about their feelings.
“That’s a classic mistake many clients make,” said Bunting. “It could be a good idea for men to talk about the challenges in their lives, but by that we mean to yourself or out loud in front of a mirror, when there’s never another human around. Society likes well‑adjusted men, sure, but it also likes men whose weakness isn’t strawberry-pineapple wine coolers, who bother you about their ‘demons,’ which are ‘ruining’ their lives. What I really want to tell these dudes is to zip it, bury it deep within themselves, and channel it into a drinking problem you can actually brag about with the boys on poker night, like the rest of us.”
At press time, Chandler Burrows was spotted heading into a nearby retirement home, hoping to corner some bedridden seniors who couldn’t escape his latest trauma dump.
