FIJI — CBS’s next season of “Survivor” will award the winner with $1 million and the opportunity to remain in the Fijian Islands to avoid returning to America, confirmed sources.
“We thought, what better way to reward the winner of the next season than to allow them to never again experience medical debt,” said long-time host and executive producer Jeff Probst. “I mean, I personally will have to go back to America. I super don’t want to, but I have a blood pact with CBS to uphold and have to talk to Gayle King on ‘CBS This Morning.’ But man, Fiji is so much better. We don’t get a ton of the news, so I’m always blissfully uninformed during filming.”
Contestant Alexis Levine can’t wait to compete for the opportunity of a lifetime.
“I don’t even care about the life-altering money. Getting a chance to live in a country with socialized healthcare is way more valuable. It’s the new American dream,” said Levine while practicing her survival skills by drinking from a coconut in a hammock. “I’m going to be a millionaire and, more importantly, will have absolutely no idea what RFK Jr. is doing. I can’t wait to not hear the name Kash Patel for the rest of my life. I’ll have no clue what color Trump’s hands are. It’s going to be so freeing.”
Craig Ruhler, a specialist in the United States Repatriation Program, said that while it would be very easy for a contestant to return to the United States, he totally gets why one wouldn’t want to.
“I get people back in here every day and when they hand me their passport I’m like, ‘Dude, why?’” Said Ruhler. “You did it, you’re out! Stay in Italy. Stay in France. Ride a bike at 2:00 p.m. Live in Spain and eat your dinners at 9:30 at night. Enter a survival skills game show and go 25 days without showering. I mean, I don’t totally know what exactly goes on in some of these places because I’m stuck here in this shit-hole office in this shit-hole country.”
At press time, Levine was daydreaming about tanning and reading a book in Fiji, while President Donald Trump announced an initiative to ban ice cream and bomb the Rocky Mountains.
