LANSING, Mich. — Local murderer Larry Vance let out an annoyed sigh at a number of news stories’ description of the just-uncovered grave he dug for his latest victim as “shallow,” confirmed sources.
“What the fuck? I was out there for hours digging that thing, and it was not ‘shallow.’ Yet the news has the gall to describe my grave work as anything less than commercial grade?” demanded Vance, a seasoned murderer, while pacing his living room and flipping through channels to catch coverage of his heinous crime. “God, it just makes me so mad, I could… I could just… I could go out and do the whole thing again, and this time, I’d dig seven, hell, eight feet deep, if that’s what it’ll take to get some respect.”
Despite Vance’s objections, the facts of the grave he dug do point to him being in the wrong.
“Per police sources, the victim was found in a five-and-a-half foot deep grave. Real graves are six feet deep,” said local reporter Ross Harkins. “If the person behind this horrific killing thinks they dug a grave up to the standards of, say, your Forest Lawns or your Arlingtons, well, they’re just plain wrong. And if you know their identity, please—tell it to me, and let them know that the grave was ‘shallow.’ Now, that’s nothing to be ashamed about. The murder is. Murder is shameful. The shallow grave is just… what it is.”
Criminologists have noted that a not-terribly-deep grave is among the most consistent ways murder victims are discovered, which is often the first step in finding the person behind both the killing and the embarrassingly close-to-the-surface grave.
“Anyone who commits the unspeakable act of killing has, by the nature of the crime, proven themselves to be of deviant mind. And the deviant-minded—well, this may hurt to hear, but a number of them just don’t have the follow-through to do a job right,” explained Colleen Wernick, PhD, Professor of Criminology. “The grave this murderer dug—well, that it’s under regulation depth points to them being just that—a no-follow-through deviant incapable of completing tasks to society’s actual standards.”
At press time, Vance was seen muttering to himself while extending a tape measurer into his latest grave, ensuring that whoever his next victim is, they won’t be found in a grave that anyone could sniff at.
