DES MOINES, Iowa — Local man Jerry Servin dismounted from the back of Harold Orozco upon returning from work, just one of the many human beings whose backs he’s been forced to mount for transportation as a consequence of his recent conviction for Driving Under the Influence, confirmed sources.
“Look, I messed up, there’s no way around it—but can I just say that this is a strange way to balance out my wrong?” noted Servin, whose .10 blood alcohol level landed him a fine and the shame of having his driving privileges revoked, forcing him to rely on piggyback rides for the foreseeable future. “Yes, the road was more dangerous with me on it after some drinks, but the sidewalk, with me on piggyback, is now dangerous too, you know? Plus, there’s an inherent stigma getting a DUI. Why add to that by making me look like a toddler having a nice day with his parents? I’m a 43-year-old accountant, and now I’m showing up to my office with thighs soaked in the side-sweat of my friends, family, and Taskrabbits all because of my mistake. It just feels cruel and unusual.”
Some piggyback-ride-givers stated their disdain for drunk driving, given not only the dangers it poses to other drivers, but also due to the havoc DUI drivers wreak on their spines.
“Jerry’s gotta get right. He drinks too much, and now his problem’s my problem” said Gracie Williams, one of Servin’s piggyback-ride-givers. “And I know this is not polite, but the guy could stand to lose a few. Hopefully, cutting back on his drinking will help. I’m praying it does, because he’s turning my back into yet another victim of his selfishness.”
Drunk driving has long been a scourge on the nation’s roads, and a new crop of judges, lawyers, and police officers are working to discourage it through public humiliation.
“Mr. Servin did the crime, now he has to do the piggyback time,” said Danielle Perez, the judge on the case. “If you’re convicted in my courtroom, you’re gonna pay your restitution, and you’re gonna pay it in a way that the community can see. And if your crime is driving under the influence, you’re also gonna be shelling out thousands of dollars in Taskrabbit piggyback ride fees too.”
At press time, Servin was spotted attempting to cartwheel to his office after his brother turned down his latest piggyback request.
