MANTECA, Calif. — Local resident and tractor mechanic Steve Thompson was thrilled to discover a cheaper, yet highly illegal, alternative to his escalating medical costs, confirmed frugal sources.
“I’ve always been a glass half full kind of guy, the type of dude that really focuses on the positive, and because of that, I am positively excited that I am about to get very high right now to alleviate my lower back pain,” explained Thompson as he heated a bent spoon on a park bench outside the city library. “I’ve had medical setbacks over the last few years and honestly, I’m getting sick and tired of my co-pays going up, so I had to find a more affordable solution. And I don’t even need a prescription to get it. Not to mention I sleep really good at night, and the next day – then at night again.”
Broke patients aren’t the only people in town excited for an alternative to an HMO.
“You’re not a cop, right? You have to tell me if you’re a cop,” asked a local heroin dealer who went by the pseudonym “Atomic.” “They call me Atomic because my shits the bomb! So, you looking to buy or what? This stuff’s cheaper than urgent care, bro. I had a guy tell me he had a co-pay go from 30 dollars to 80 dollars! You know what always goes for 30 dollars? My stuff! There isn’t a doctor in this city that can match my prices. While their prices go up, ours stay low, hidden in shadow like the opiate ninja I am.”
Local physician Brent Goodman was relieved to lose some patients due to overwhelming demand and high costs.“I’m so busy these days that I don’t even have time to go out on my sailboat or fly my airplane anymore,” Goodman stated. “To be honest, I’m so busy, I am glad a bunch of these whiners have stopped coming in. I don’t set the co-pays, why are they complaining to me? Also, it’s much easier that they chose heroin over coming in here with ‘knee pain’ and asking for opiates.”
At press time, Thompson was further thrilled to realize he could swap out his expensive depression medication with the more affordable option of cocaine.
