KALAMAZOO, Mich. — A centipede dwelling in the bathroom of a local punk house has become its highest contributing member after stalking, killing and consuming a termite in the door frame, sources report.
“I figured nobody else in this house is doing anything useful, so I might as well step up and take care of a wood-eating pest,” said the centipede. “All I do is stand around on the wall all day, and even I’m surprised by how shiftless and lazy everyone else is. The tenants in every other place I’ve lived in have at least had the good sense to be creeped out by me, but these guys have yet to acknowledge my existence. I even stood on some dude’s shoulder while he sat on the toilet the other day, and he didn’t even notice I was there. There were a shit-ton of other bugs already crawling through his hair, though, so maybe he wasn’t the best example. And don’t even get me started on the shower. I’ve been here two weeks, and I’ve yet to see anyone use it.”
Human house tenant Stan “Scuzz” Brackenridge was aggravated when he heard of the centipede’s efforts.
“Doesn’t that thing know it’s making the rest of us look bad?” Brackenridge complained as he rooted through the kitchen trash can in search of a smokeable cigarette butt. “I’m doing my best here, so it’s certainly not appreciated when some snobby thousand-legger shows me up by killing a house-destroying bug. It’s not like I’m worthless, man. Who stole that 12-pack of Keystone Ice from the Meijer down the street yesterday? That’s right, I did. Granted, I drank all of them on the walk home, but that’s neither here nor there. I’m so sick of being shown up by arthropods.”
Entomologist Lucille Rattakul has seen this before.
“It’s extremely common for bugs to be the most productive members of the houses they occupy,” Rattakul noted. “Whether it’s a spider trapping a fly in its web or a ladybug feasting on houseplant-destroying aphids, these little beings make much better tenants than a 34-year-old punk who doesn’t have a job, any marketable skills, or even a toothbrush. While many people find centipedes to be unnerving, they at least clean themselves, which is certainly not the case for most punk house residents.”
At press time, the centipede had moved to a nearby crack house in search of better roommates.
