Inept Sex Talk Has Son Wondering If Dad Somehow Virgin

CLEVELAND — Following a vague, inaccurate, and oddly theoretical explanation of human reproduction, local 13-year-old Kyle Hartley is reportedly beginning to suspect his father may somehow still be a virgin, sources confirmed Monday.

“It sounded like he was describing something he’d read about once in a pamphlet from a dentist’s office, or maybe just heard in passing,” said Kyle Hartley, becoming increasingly skeptical and concerned the more he thought about it. “His hand gestures alone seemed way off. At one point he drew two stick figures holding hands with a dotted line between them labeled ‘maybe here.’ I know this is the first time I’m hearing any of this, but I feel incredibly confident that none of this can be right.“

The boy’s father, 47-year-old Doug Hartley, who had reportedly spent three days preparing notes for the conversation, attempted to clarify his remarks.

“So, uh, when a man… and a woman… decide to, you know, uh, take things up a notch, there’s a kind of… it’s less about the physical mechanics and more… ,” Doug Hartley said, as he avoided eye contact and searched for the right words. “There’s like, an energy, and a timing, and making sure everything sort of, lines up, you know, the way it’s supposed to. I mean, you don’t want to rush it, because then it won’t… then it doesn’t work, right? You can’t overthink this kind of thing, but you can, you know what I mean?”

Kyle Hartley’s mother, Susan Hartley, who overheard the entire conversation, admitted she was now questioning her husband’s sexual history.

“He told our son to ‘keep his socks on so his feet don’t get confused,’ and that ‘the whole thing takes about as long as a microwave burrito,’” said Susan Hartley, staring blankly at her wine glass. “We’ve been married for 19 years. We have a teenager. Clearly at some point we must have… but is it possible? Did Doug somehow get through all of this without ever actually — no. No, that’s insane. Right? No. No… Right?”

At press time, a flop-sweating Doug Hartley was reportedly asking his son if he had any follow-up questions about “the mutual agreement zone.”