WASHINGTON — AARP Magazine released a startling study this week that approximately 75% of boomer babies are changing their living wills and testaments to name the porn bots they interact with online as sole beneficiaries, those within the organization have confirmed.
“We surveyed millions of families about passing down their wealth, and we were shocked to find three out of four men had living wills that thrown their children and spouses under the bus and instead stipulated all their money and possessions would be left in the hands of social media porn bot accounts on Instagram, Threads, and X,” said Ernest Johnson. “Hell, some of these spam accounts literally have the power of attorney to legally pull the plug. I guess these are the boomers who, when they were younger, thought the stripper liked them.”
One of the surveyed boomers maintained he was making the right call.
“Adult protective services my ass, I’m of sound mind and body and I want my online girlfriend to have my estate. At least she doesn’t nag me to no end like my dumbass kids with ‘her profile picture is being used for ten other accounts’ and ‘please we need that money for Janie’s college.’ Well Sophie894_0 is getting every red cent, because unlike my asshole kids she didn’t put me in a home and block Fox News on my TV,” said Michael Cooper. “Even though she doesn’t respond for days to my compliments about her tits, I know she has my best interests in mind. It’s good to be in love.”
Those responsible for the porn bot accounts admittedly were just as surprised as the researchers.
“My bot farm only meant to swindle some Amazon gift cards from incels, and the next thing I know all these old dudes are sending me love messages and naming my handles in their wills. Which is great and all, but now if I want the money I also need to figure out how an AI anime girl is supposed to arrange hospice care,” said Dimitri Petrov of St. Petersberg, Russia. “I thought Americans being this gullible was just a myth, but a bunch of these fools have named two or three of my accounts in their wills. God bless social media.”
The study also went on to reveal even 75% of Gen X men would leave their spouses and run away with the porn bots if asked.
