OMAHA, Neb. — Hazy Cave, a microbrew you purchased at local bar Lucky’s, was the worst beer you had ever tasted despite the beautiful artwork displayed on the can.
“Oh Christ, can’t believe I was fooled yet again by a design,” you grimaced as you took another sip. “I was really psyched to try this because there was this gorgeous painting of a cave on the can that looked like something from the cover of a fantasy novel or stoner metal album. It tasted like a rotting grapefruit with hints of cardamom and tree bark, though. Honestly, microbrewers should spend a little less time on the drawings on their cans and a little more time on making beer that actually suits my exact palate. Jesus, I would prefer a lukewarm Miller Lite pounder to that. That’s the last time I order a microbrew based on illustration. Next time I’m just going for highest ABV.”
Brewer Preston Corbin proudly described his new product.
“This is by far the best product we’ve ever brewed,” Corbin gloated. “We contracted with an incredibly talented graffiti artist here in Omaha to design the beautiful artwork on the can. You can see the vibrant mist coming off the cave in the painting, and its slightly open mouth acts as symbolism for the act of drinking the delicious beer contained within. Of course, we spent so much time on the can that the beer itself was kind of an afterthought, but our signature process ensured that our customers get to enjoy the same high-quality product they’ve come to expect from us.”
Brewing expert Cecilia Flores weighed in on the situation.
“It’s common knowledge that the vast majority of microbrews are bullshit IPAs that all taste the same,” Flores commented. “But a lot of people who wouldn’t otherwise drink them will sometimes get fooled by beautiful artwork on the cans. The rule of thumb is typically the better the artwork, the worse the beer. Microbrew manufacturers will often spend far too much time designing their cans and not nearly enough time brewing quality beer, and consumers will end up shelling out $8 for a can of beer that’s worse quality than a Rolling Rock.”
At press time, Corbin had fired all of his brewers so he could hire a team of artists for future can designs.
