Hey pal, first off, I really want to thank you for finding the bandwidth to sit down with us. I know you’ve already got a lot on your plate with Q2 just around the corner, but I was concerned when I heard Steve from Marketing saw you crying while eating your lunch in the bathroom.
I truly get it. The fact that our own government is dismantling the freedoms I’ve taken for granted, while simultaneously threatening World War III for dubious reasons, would send anyone into a mental health crisis. And yet, as terrifying as this fascist hellscape we’re all being forced to endure is, I really need you to submit that pitch deck by noon.
I know it’s hard to think about work at a time like this, especially when it feels like everything you’ve worked towards in your life has been rendered meaningless in the blink of an eye by sadistic oligarchs, but with an impressive and exciting enough presentation, you can convince those guys throw a few bucks our way so we can keep the lights on.
Think of the project as a nice little vacation from the horrors of watching people get shot and abused by masked men every time you open up social media. I want you to feel like this office is a safe space where you can work towards meeting those 10% annual growth metrics. And trust us, once you hit ‘send’ on that pitch deck you’ve been struggling to finish, you’ll forget all about the mass generational trauma being inflicted.
And as much as I wish I could give you the time and space to take to the streets and protest for your right to exist, you did agree to the mandatory RTO agreement, so you need to be in the office for a minimum of 32 hours a week. Just go ahead and use that Canva license of yours, which I paid for, mind you, and really make that pitch deck sparkle.
Good lord, what the hell am I saying? Here I am blabbering about the end times while you have less than three hours until the deadline! Listen, I’ll make you a deal. If you finish this project on time, you can take a half day the next time you’re rendered catatonic over the government sleepwalking into the next mass casualty pandemic.
Now go do your thing or I’ll replace you with AI!
