SEATTLE — Local barista and dull plebian Marcella Flores was recently alerted that her longtime friend of 20 years has been complaining about not having any friends, perturbed sources confirmed.
“We’ve known each other for years. I was at her high school and college graduation, her wedding, and I drove her to the hospital when she was in labor. And she let me stay at her place for five whole hours after my house burned down last year. I mean, she was even at my 5th birthday party and she only blew three of my five candles, so this really just blindsided me,” said a despondent Flores. “It came out of nowhere too. We were in the middle of our weekly lunch and she just started going on and on about how she has no real friends and how she’s desperate for any sense of human connection. And then she got a text and had to ditch without paying her bill.”
Esha Gershwin, the woman who Flores thought was her best friend, clarified her comments further.
“27 years on this Earth and I haven’t yet found a single person I like enough to call my friend. Like, what the fuck is wrong with everyone else? Sure, I might not be perfect, but neither is anyone else I know and that’s exactly why I’m not their friend,” said an oblivious Gershwin. “And for the record, I like Marcella. I like her the same way the general public likes Sum 41, it’s nice once in a while in private but I’d rather die than be publicly associated with them. And besides, it’s kinda off putting how Marcella is always down to hang out and help me out with random things, like get a fucking life and say no sometimes.”
Social psychologists across the nation have been studying this paradoxical phenomenon for decades.
“It’s a tough spot to be in. On one hand, we should be sympathetic to people brave enough to speak about the loneliness they’re experiencing. But then on the other hand, what if that person is a dumb fucking moron whose acquaintance-to-friend threshold is entirely dependent on how many cassette tapes the other person owns,” said an exhausted Dr. Diana Toole. “It’s insane and incredibly narcissistic to use pity as a mechanism to foster friendships while simultaneously alienating the friends you already have. At that point, you’d have better luck making connections at a sociopaths anonymous group.”
At press time, Gershwin was overheard complaining to her Hinge date about the lack of quality in the online dating scene.
