PELHAM, N.H. — Local husband and father of two Randy Carlisle regularly misplaces his reading glasses, inhibiting his ability to view pornography clearly, sources confirm.
“I waste a lot of precious time looking for my glasses while my wife and kids are out of the house,” said Carlisle. “I get very few opportunities to have alone time, so I’m pretty devastated when I can’t find my readers. Usually I wind up running out of time and just watching blurry blobs gyrating while listening to the audio. It’s not an ideal situation, but it gets the job done. I should probably order a dozen pairs of reading glasses on Amazon and keep them in strategic places because this seems to happen pretty often. Better throw in a few more bottles of Jergens to be covered on that front as well.”
Carlisle’s wife says she hides his glasses on purpose.
“I know what sick shit that pervert gets up to when I’m out. Apparently after decades of using the internet he still doesn’t know how to clear his browser history,” said Andrea Carlisle. “In the past few years he’s been too ‘tired’ or too busy playing PS5 to have sex with me, so I do my best to ruin his little goon sessions. Sometimes I’ll hide his glasses to fuck with him a little bit. I’ve got some other techniques I use to frustrate his efforts as well, such as adding a little sand to the bottle of Jergens he keeps in the bathroom closet. Lately I’ve been putting in a few drops of ghost pepper oil as well.”
Scientists at Neuralink have good news for pornography enthusiasts with poor vision.
“In a few years, people won’t even need eyes to consume porn,” explained researcher Ian Coxon. “With Neuralink’s brain-computer interface implant, the smut will bypass traditional input organs like eyes and ears and will be transmitted directly into the subject’s sensory cortex, enabling an unprecedented level of immersion. Our chimp test subjects have taken to it so enthusiastically that they’ll often forgo food and sleep to prolong their ‘gooning.’ Several have actually died of dehydration, which we could prevent in human users with an IV drip.”
At press time, Mr. Carlisle had driven himself to urgent care after inexplicable burns appeared on his sensitive areas after “moisturizing” with Jergens lotion.
