WASHINGTON — Multiple D.C. area movie theaters say Republican members of Congress and congressional staffers have begun using empty screenings of “Melania,” a documentary about first lady Melania Trump, as informal meeting places for anonymous sexual encounters.
“I’ve never felt so free!” A Republican congressman, who agreed to speak anonymously, exclaimed and further detailed, “Usually I have to wait till the national convention for this kind of privacy and action, but these theaters are fucking empty! I’m at the Gallery Place Regal around lunch time, fooling around with a tourist, fast forward a few hours later, and I’m at a matinee at the AMC in Georgetown, hooking up with some guy named like Enrique that has no idea I want to deport him. It’s the ultimate high. Plus, I am still home by 8 to say prayers with my wife, Sarah, and my daughters. Oh, you know what, please take out the Sarah and daughters part.”
Theater staff seem generally unbothered but still mildly uncomfortable with the repurposing of the theater space.
“Two guys in red MAGA hats and cross necklaces just going to town on each other is not something we normally deal with, but for the most part, they are polite and clean up after themselves except for a few popcorn buckets with very small holes cut out of the bottom,” said Scott Colby, a theater employee and local college student. “The flirting in the lobby gets real bizarre, like some guy in one of those weird Dan Bongino trench coats kept asking this other guy if he was ready to take Greenland, pretty sure he had to be naked under the trench coat, right?”
An expert on movie cult phenomena, Elizabeth Hines, wasn’t surprised by the development.
“It’s fascinating to watch such a vast film cult develop in real time. I was there when throwing spoons at “The Room” became a thing, but this is next level. These duplicitous closeted men have even started doing Rocky Horror style callouts, like shouting “Oh my God I’m gonna cum!” during the Michael Jackson sing-along. It may become the most frequented but never-watched movie in cinema history, and Melania Trump may become the first true icon for closeted god-fearing gay men. She’s like their Cher now.”
After realizing the documentary flopped, Donald Trump Jr. has assembled a think tank, mostly his coolest cocaine dealers, to revitalize Moviepass, rebrand it as a hookup app, and monetize on this moment.
