CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Nearly 40-year-old punk woman Allie Gerard recently made a solemn vow to resist the urge to become rockabilly, sources close to the matter report.
“I see it happen every single day. Women my age slowly realizing that maybe gross ratty t-shirts and studded vests aren’t the most flattering or whatever, or that they think old people aren’t allowed to dress cool. Then suddenly I’m at a gig and every woman there over the age of 35 is in some bodycon dress with red lipstick on and I’m like, where the fuck am I? A Southern Culture on the Skids show?” Gerard said, wearing a very stained men’s 2XL Fishbone shirt. “For fuck’s sake, ladies, you don’t have to become a pin-up tattoo of Elvira the second you start to visibly age. But I’m telling you right now, if I ever start buying leopard print stuff, I want you to shoot me. I’ll try my best to avoid that outcome.”
One of Gerard’s friends, bassist Elena Wheeler, explains how she ended up in the punk-to-rockabilly pipeline.
“Look, I’m not proud of the fact that all I listen to now is surf rock covers,” Wheeler said, touching up her eyeliner in a hand mirror. “But you’d be surprised at how quick this shit catches up to you. One day you’re complaining about your knees in the pit and buying earplugs, and the next you’re looking for fit-and-flare dresses with fringe on the collar online. It was too late for me, being a female bass player and all, so I’m just getting the word out for the women who are 32 right now and thinking they want to ‘try out a more vintage look’ like that British TikTok lady with all the traditional tattoos. You’re not her and you can’t afford to be.”
Fashion historian Alexis Loft lent her expertise on the matter.
“The phenomenon of once-cool, hip young women being drawn towards an objectively kind of tacky look as they age has been around for millenia,” Loft said, gesturing to several illustrations hanging on the wall of her office. “Even the cave girls of long ago were seen ditching their badass spears and furs for weird zebra print togas as they aged out of the scene. We need more punk women like Allie to spread the word and stop this wiggle-dress takeover from happening once and for all.”
As of press time, Gerard was seen looking at vintage cars on Instagram.
