MINNEAPOLIS — Border Patrol chief Greg Bovino confirmed that Alex Pretti, the 37-year-old VA intensive care nurse known for his empathy, compassion, and strong sense of morality, has been executed and “will no longer be a threat to the American people,” at a press conference earlier this morning.
“Ladies and gentlemen, we got him,” boasted Bovino, visibly erect. “Yes, the nightmare is over. The natural-born citizens of this great nation can rest easy knowing that our veterans will no longer be attentively looked after by the trademark kindness and warmth of the terrorist Eric Pretti, and we’re not stopping there. Let this be a message to any sick bastard out there attempting to aid an assaulted woman or legally observe an act of law enforcement — your days are numbered.”
Though he refused to give his name, presumably out of modesty, the ICE agent responsible for the shooting offered a statement to the press.
“Anyone criticizing our actions that day has clearly never had to stare down the barrel of a phone pointed right at them. There’s no time to think in a situation like that. Once he was pinned to the ground and his gun was removed, I knew it was kill or be killed. A man who has been pinned to the ground and disarmed is desperate and capable of anything. I knew that any moment this terrorist could flash us a look that would make us think what we were doing was wrong somehow, so I drew my weapon, and I neutralized the threat.”
Frank Tubin, a veteran of the United States Marine Corps, described a face-to-face encounter he had with domestic terrorist Pretti during his reign at the local VA hospital.
“I’d been having some health issues last year, and the doctor wanted to rule out leukemia. I was scared. I was shaking so damned bad he couldn’t get the needle in to take my blood sample. Next thing I know, he’s asking me questions about my life — where I served, what I did for work now, did I have a family, that kind of stuff. Before I know it, I’m blabbing about my granddaughter’s dance recital, and we’re laughing together. I said ‘I think you can take the sample now,’ and he said, “I already did.’ I looked down, and I was shocked. He got me so calm and comfortable that he was able to take my blood and put a band-aid on without me even noticing. A week later, my test results came back negative. I ran into Pretti on my way out and told him, and he smiled at me so big and genuinely, you woulda thought I told him he didn’t have cancer. I’ll remember that smile till the day I die. Kind man.”
At press time, ICE had begun slaughtering MAGA supporters in droves for legally carrying firearms.
