Oh, hell yes! I was having a fucking great time at this Staind concert until that worthless cuck of a bartender cut me off. Said I was bothering the other attendees and creeping out his coworker, as if he didn’t see the “fuck me” eyes she was throwing out while serving me during the opening band’s set. Seriously, how am I supposed to interpret “You want another White Claw?” She clearly wanted me. Anyway, no harm, no foul, because someone left their half-empty Miller Lite pounder on top of the urinal.
Christ, I can’t believe how fucking lucky I am today. Not only is this rare pearl sitting out there for the taking, but all these clueless simps are just pissing nearby without paying it the slightest bit of attention. Well, I’ll just reach over and grab it for myself, then, and leave these dumbshits with their dicks literally in their hands. Fortune favors the bold, my friends.
Goddamn, am I rolling sixes today, because I just sniffed tentatively around the lip of the can, and I think it’s genuinely filled with beer that some idiot decided he didn’t want. He didn’t even use it as a Skoal spitter like I normally do with my discarded booze vessels. Wait, let me just take a quick sip to make sure.
Yep, it’s beer. Warm and flat, but beer nonetheless. Honestly, this is better than the day my son was born. Mainly because I was at a nearby bar losing thirty bucks on my DraftKings app when it happened, but that’s neither here nor there.
Wait, did that guy in the Three Days Grace shirt just give me a disgusted look while walking towards the sink? The fuck is his problem? Eh, whatever. I’m in too good of a mood to throw down with some rando who’s likely just jealous. Also, it would suck to get kicked out before I get a chance to knock some motherfuckers out in the pit during “Mudshovel”. He’s probably an AOC fan or some bullshit.
Oh yeah, he’s washing his hands after peeing. Definitely an AOC fan. God, what a pussy.
But I digress. What started out as a dejected trip to empty my bladder ended with me triumphantly raising my newfound chalice to the gods. To the victor go the spoils! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going back to the bar to see if I can swipe that asshole’s tips before anyone notices.
