PITTSBURGH — Crust punk Hugh McVeely attempted to claim his pubic lice as dependents while filing his taxes, repulsed sources report.
“I read online that you can be eligible for various tax credits and an increased refund for each dependent,” said McVeely. “I have like 10-15 lice crawling through my pubes right now, so if I can get a $2,000 credit for each of them, I’ll be rich. These are living beings that rely on me for food and shelter, so how is that any different from a kid or an unemployed spouse? Everybody who’s given me a disgusted look when I told them I was planning on doing this is just jealous that they didn’t think of it first. This might be the first year I can remember that I’m actually excited to do my taxes.”
McVeely’s friend Cam Stillwater was impressed at his ingenuity.
“I think Hugh is on to something here,” Stillwater pondered. “I hope this works out for him, because if so, there’s a veritable treasure trove of parasites living on my body that I can claim as dependents. Hell, between my tapeworm and the maggots that recently sprouted up on the festering wound on my shoulder, I can make well over a hundred thousand dollars. And why stop at my body? I’m pretty sure that raccoon outside would be dead if it weren’t for the Monterey Jack Chicken Taquitos containers and Old Trapper beef jerky bags I’ve been throwing in the trash. Hell, I’m open to claiming any creature as a dependent if it means I can get some money from the government for it.”
IRS representative Grace Ramirez wasn’t sure how to handle the situation.
“I’ve received countless claims of dependents that don’t end up being legitimate after I research them, but this is definitely a first,” Ramirez said. “I appreciate how thoroughly Mr. McVeely outlined his case when he filed his taxes, although I don’t think the pictures were necessary. I’m pretty sure there’s something in our documentation stating that dependents have to be human beings, and that tax credits are not granted for parasitic infestations that the subject is too disgusting to treat, but I’ll have to go digging through all these papers to find it.”
At press time, McVeely was also claiming to be a foster parent to his pubic lice so he could receive a non-taxable subsidy from the government.
