WASHINGTON — An upcoming episode of “Bar Rescue” will see gastropub mogul John Taffer attempt to rehabilitate Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth’s office, confirmed sources.
“The office somehow has 12 beers on tap, a boutique winery, and a fully operating distillery in the corner. Not to mention it’s in a prime location with a jukebox full of REO Speedwagon,” said Taffer. “But Pete was passed out under his desk and there were vomit stains all over the carpet. He needs to fully rebrand if he wants to run a successful U.S. government office. That’s where I come in. This isn’t an economy problem, it’s a management problem — and I’m gonna get to the bottom of it!”
Barback and U.S. government intern Chase Murphy believes that, without Taffer’s intervention, Hegseth’s office could be forced to close its doors.
“It feels like we’re working our hardest to keep the Department of Defense running, but Pete’s fighting us at every turn. He’s drinking more than we sell, letting his weird buddies open huge tabs. The list goes on,” said Murphy. “The rebrand just killed any kind of momentum we had. The Department of Defense was a D.C. staple, and our old regulars weren’t ready for the change at all. Everything has just been poorly rolled out, like he’s not even trying. I’m just tired. We’re all tired.”
Hegseth has a different view on the bar’s success.
“I wanted to rename this place the ‘Department of War.’ I already had a neon sign made and everything. I also want to install a dart board and foosball table but Taffer said no,” said Hegseth. “Taffer is a low rate con-man, and his show’s ratings are awful. My office is the best place to drink in D.C., and fake news outlets like the Paramount Network have spent millions trying to defame me. They’re sending Taffer to tell me that I don’t know how to run my office or that I shouldn’t drink on the job. It’s another classic hit job from the legacy media. The American people are sick and tired of seeing Hollywood media elites tell New York City media elites that they aren’t qualified to run a trillion-dollar military industrial complex.”
When contacted for a follow-up, Hegseth’s office said that the Secretary of Defense is unavailable for standing up from his chair.
