LUDLOW, Maine — A copy of Alice in Chains’ 1992 LP “Dirt” buried in the Mi’kmaq grounds behind Ludlow’s famed Pet Sematary emerged as a copy of Godsmack’s 1998 self-titled album, sources report.
“Wow, I really should have considered the consequences of burying that Alice in Chains CD, especially since it was my only copy,” said perpetrator Landon Reed. “I guess curiosity got the better of me, but now I’m definitely regretting my decision. These Godsmack songs sound just like Alice in Chains with all the charm and talent taken out of them. It’s like a bad, boring impersonation of Alice in Chains for angst-ridden teenagers. The CD also violently scratched me when I tried to put it in my Discman. Why couldn’t I have done something less offensive, like bury the corpse of a recently run over cat or a toddler that had been hit by an Orinco truck? This sucks.”
Reed’s neighbor Bud Wendel reacted to the situation.
“Ayuh, I warned Landon against burying that CD,” said Wendel. “Same thing happened back in the winter of ‘18 when Harry Becker buried his old copy of Led Zeppelin’s ‘Physical Graffiti’ and it came out as Greta Van Fleet’s debut. I suppose it’s my fault for taking Landon over the deadfall and showing him that ancient burial ground, but it just had such a draw to it that I couldn’t resist. I told him that what that ground spits back up ain’t what you put into it, and in this case it ended up being a total bastardization. Have you heard the song ‘Time Bomb’ on that awful Godsmack album? It even has electronic elements to it. Ugh, how could I have let Landon do that?”
Alice in Chains guitarist Jerry Cantrell couldn’t believe what became of his seminal work.
“Oh man, this is terrible,” Cantrell lamented. “I can appreciate when other artists take inspiration from my work or when fans try to entomb our albums in a burial ground to see what happens, but this is an absolute mockery of Alice in Chains. The lead singer is so obviously trying to sound like Layne, but without all the beautiful harmonies, and the guitar work is missing all the clever lines and lead work that made ‘Dirt’ so great. Remember how profoundly affected you were the first time you heard ‘Down in a Hole’? There’s nothing even close to that on this Godsmack album. Someone needs to spread cement over that entire burial ground so this never happens again.”
At press time, the Godsmack album emerged as a Puddle of Mudd album after being buried in the Pet Sematary again.
