SAN FRANCISCO — A local crust punk announced plans to set sail on open waters to discover the fabled promised land of the Pacific Garbage Patch, sources who asked to bum a smoke confirmed.
“Yeah man, I’ve had it with society and I’m going to find that giant floating garbage patch and make a new life for myself. There’s a putrid island out there somewhere covered in cigarette butts, half-empties of PBR and moldy donuts. It’s everything I could ever need,” said Derek “Squizz Face” Robins. “I built this boat out of some oil drums I found and made a sail out of old issues of Maximum RockNRoll. If it starts to leak I can patch it with all these Amebix patches I have. DIY or die!”
Some friends of Robins aren’t so sure about his plans of exploration for a new world though as it seems like a fantasy.
“I don’t know, it just all sounds too good to be true. A giant trash heap to live on forever? There’s no way the government would allow that to exist,” said Rotten Doug. “How long could someone really survive on a thing like that? Sure, you could live off all the garbage people have thrown away but where are you going to get your Fent from? No one’s throwing any of that into the ocean.”
Crust punk historian Chuck “Infected Leg Wound” Harrison explains that while Robins may consider his actions to be historic, he is not the first to attempt it.
“There have been a lot of punks who’ve tried to sail to the garbage patch and some may have even made it there, we really don’t know,” said Harrison. “We do know about Mikey ‘Leanin’ Evans who hit the seas on a raft made from Nausea seven-inches and found a massive pile of beautifully disgusting trash, used needles, and human shit only to discover he was actually just in Philadelphia.”
At press time, Robins said he was holding off on his voyage after hearing reports that the garbage patch has become so large it may just reach the shores of the west coast within the next few months.
