EASTON, Pa. — Residents of a local punk house are officially down to the glowing tip of a vape pen as their only working light, according to sources blindly banging their shins into the coffee table.
“The few light bulbs that came with the place didn’t last long so we all started sharing a single lava lamp on an extension cord,” frontman Dave “Flaky Rash” Mullens said of the band’s literal and figurative descent into darkness. “One night our bass player drunkenly opened the lava lamp thinking it was a beer and drank the neon blue liquid inside. Since then the vape light has been more than enough; it’s not like we’re trying to read or something. The only thing we need to see is where to endorse the checks our parents send us every month. Of course the one drawback is when we lose the vape and someone has to wake up during the day to find it.”
Neighbor Lorreen Case described her experience living next to the punk outfit.
“The house may appear empty but the smell is a constant reminder of who’s living there,” Case said referring to the stench of resin hits and Cheeto farts wafting over the hedge. “Every night I see through the window a small bright orb floating around the living room followed by the worst music I’ve ever heard. It’s like a plane crashing into an active train wreck while a crow chokes on a paper clip. I’ve wondered if they might sound better if they could see but I’m pretty sure we’re talking about a lack of talent so pure that nothing could make a difference.”
The property’s landlord who goes by Black Mold shared a surprising reason for renting to such degenerates.
“Are you kidding? Punks make the best tenants because they never ask for anything to be fixed or replaced,” Mold said while raising the rent on a newly unemployed single mom. “The more squalid the place the more I can charge because they think it gives their band authenticity. From gas leaks to disease-carrying infestations it’s all part of the creative environment for these idiots. One house didn’t have running water so they only flushed the toilet as often as they could fill the upper tank with piss. Ironically that band broke up and they all ended up working for SERVPRO.”
At press time, Mullens and his bandmates were being treated for injuries sustained while attempting to heat the house with a microwave.
