FRANKLIN, Tenn. — American fast food restaurant chain Hardee’s has unveiled a new menu addition known as the All-Crouton Salad, sources report.
“We’re proud to present this fantastic offering to health-conscious consumers,” Hardee’s spokesperson Andrea Skrolnick said. “Our new signature salad comes with a pound of delicious croutons coated in our secret seasoning and deep fried to a golden brown, served with a dressing of choice and a side of our rich and flavorful Double Biscuit ‘n’ Gravy, as well as a 48-ounce soda. We understand that obesity has become a global epidemic, and have taken it upon ourselves to offer our customers an alternative to the more caloric options prevalent at other restaurants. We care about the health and well-being of all Americans, and this new item is a reflection of that. Bon appétit!”
Hardee’s customer Earl Miller couldn’t be more over the moon.
“This is just fantastic!” Miller exclaimed. “Hardee’s is my favorite restaurant, and I’ve been eating there at least four times a week for the past couple decades or so. I’m just now recuperating from a quadruple bypass I had last month, and my doctor said it would be a good idea to incorporate salad and exercise into my daily routine. The exercise part sure-as-shit ain’t happening, but I’ll happily eat some salads if they’re made at Hardee’s. I like to get the Double Bacon Cheeseburger Combo every Wednesday, but I’ll substitute this new salad for it going forward. That should take care of the ol’ ticker.”
Nutritionist Brenda Klahan was not surprised by what she heard.
“Clearly, this abomination has absolutely no nutritional value at all,” Klahan sighed. “However, that’s certainly not going to stop gullible Americans from chowing down on it while thinking they’re acting in their bodies’ best interest. Do you remember when everyone in this doomed country thought Subway was healthy just because some pedophile lost weight by eating small amounts of it? Nowadays, all you have to do is slap the word ‘protein’ on a Lunchable and idiots everywhere will run out and buy it. I’m honestly shocked that it took Hardee’s this long to make a ‘salad’ that’s likely even more caloric than its cheeseburgers in order to garner more sales. Obviously, I think it’s monstrous, but I understand it from a business perspective.”
At press time, Hardee’s also introduced their new All-Mayonnaise dressing to be offered with the salad.
