MINNEAPOLIS — Noted Puscifer fan and parolee Peter Schwartz recently learned the vocalist of his favorite act has a side band, sources reported.
“I love Puscifer so much, I named both my kids after their catalog: my daughter ‘M’ for Milla, and my son ‘V’ for Vagina. I even live in an Airstream that was stolen by dopers, let’s say. But Puscifer’s lead singer is always in disguise, so I never could tell who he really was. When I first saw the cover for ‘Conditions of My Parole,’ I thought that was a real portrait of him after a genre-defying conjugal visit. He looked so proud of his black eye,” Schwartz said from an iPhone that came with names pre-loaded on it. “Turns out that guy is named Maynard James Keenan, and he has a side band. I was in shock, like someone body slammed me on stage. This side band is pretty big in an underground way and put out some mind-blowing singles. Maybe you’ve heard of it? It’s called A Perfect Circle.”
Schwartz’s discovery started in an unlikely place.
“Yeah, Peter came in looking for a white wine for a dinner date with a ‘Bikini Bandit’ he met through a prison pen pal program. Pretty sus, but I’ve seen worse,” said Lisa Loch, who works at a liquor store directly outside the exit of a federal prison. “I sold him a 2023 Merkin Vineyards Chupacabra Blanca to pair nicely with his other questionable life choices. I mentioned how the vineyard’s owner is in Puscifer and A Perfect Circle. He seemed surprised and excited to tell his date about it. Hey, at least it’s not crypto.”
Keenan also expressed surprise at Schwartz’s discovery.
“Most people find me the same way they have for years: from my appearance in the seminal 2009 motion picture, ‘Crank 2: High Voltage.’ The method acting took a year of my life, but it really grounded my role as a dog trainer who uses a shock collar to zap farts out of Jason Statham. Anyway, it’s true that I’m in exactly two bands: Puscifer and A Perfect Circle,” Keenan said without using the Fibonacci sequence. “Another happy fan means I did my job. I love all my fans. They are the best.”
As of press time, Schwartz said he discovered Keenan’s “secret” third band, Tool, and looks forward to checking them out one day when he gets around to it.
