Ugh, goddamnit. How did we get stuck with this article while the other writers got to list their favorite Bolt Thrower songs? How much fucking sense does that make? Anyways, Christian rock is the worst form of music there is, and we’d rather do a Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch retrospective than listen to this bullshit, but whatever, we don’t make the rules around here. Here are five Christian rock songs that make burning in the pits of hell for all eternity sound like a total treat by comparison.
- The Newsboys – “God’s Not Dead”
Jeeeeeezus, this song is bad. To make matters worse, it’s on the soundtrack to that horrible Kevin Sorbo movie with the same name. You know the one: some dipshit kid goes to college and his liberal professor makes him denounce his faith (you know, like all college professors do) and they get in a big fight over it. Please don’t watch it. We’ll go back to writing our list while fantasizing about having our flesh licked by dancing flames forever, so long as this song isn’t playing.
- Casting Crowns – “One Step Away”
Woof. This makes Vertical Horizon sound like Slayer. Is that what’s coming next? Are our editors going to make us list five early 2000s butt-rock songs? At this point, fine, please, anything but this shit. This makes having our tongues pulled out by Lucifer’s army recruits sound downright appealing, and oh God, this song has a clap-along part at the end and someone please put us out of our misery.
- Sidewalk Prophets – “You Love Me Anyway”
If someone would have introduced this song to Dante while he was drafting ideas for the 9 Circles of Hell, he would have stepped away from writing and began working as a stone mason or something, too shaken up to revisit his epic poem. We’ll gladly invite Cerberus to come maul us to death over and over if it means we can just turn off this fucking song.
- Phillips, Craig & Dean – “Your Name”
Have you ever been simultaneously agonized and bored out of your fucking mind? It’s a strange feeling that overcame us as we stared dead-eyed at the wall while the Christ-draped lyrics in this song’s acoustic chorus turned us into complete shells of our former selves. Oh, to plunge the depths of the Stygian abyss, where the infernal City of Dis provides sweet reprieve from the torture that is Contemporary Christian Rock!
- DC Talk – “So Help Me God”
Oh no, that’s a D.J. No, no, NO! We no longer need to fear Hell, because no God would sit idly by and allow such a grotesque abomination as this song to exist. We are utterly alone in this cold, unfeeling, and callous universe, and death will bring us the ultimate relief of eternal nothingness, free from the manufactured Hell that Christians have wrought upon us with their music.
This article is satirical. The Hard Times is a punk/hardcore satire site. All content should be considered parody and entertainment purposes only.
