WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump is now urging republicans to vote for the release of the Epstein files, following a night of revelations in which he was visited by the ghosts of pedophilia’s past, present, and future, sources confirm.
“I am very pleased to report that the spirits have DONE IT!” said Trump in a Truth Social post this morning. “Last night I was visited by the ghost of Jeffrey Epstein, a terrific guy. He told me that very night, I would be visited by three spirits involved with pedophilia and sex trafficking. At first, I thought it was a hallucination, caused by a bit of undigested Big Mac, but the spirits came, and I SEE now! I don’t want to be one of these bastards who says, ‘The Epstein files are a democrat hoax.’ They’re not! Sex trafficking can happen every day. You’ve just got to want that feeling. And if you like it and you want it, you’ll get greedy for it. You’ll want wonderful secrets every day of your life!”
Despite Trump’s newfound enthusiasm for transparency in his involvement with a massive sex trafficking ring, Karoline Leavitt seemed adamant about downplaying the story at an emergency press conference held shortly after the announcement.
“I know you members of the liberal media want nothing more than for the American people to be distracted by our president’s perfectly normal encounter with supernatural beings tied to deplorable sex crimes, but what we should all really be focused on is Venezuelan drug boats. Please, for the love of God, focus on the boats. Please.”
Herman Eichler, a long-abused personal aide to Trump, recounted the surprise visit the President paid to his family just this morning.
“Trump showed up to our home with all of these gifts for the kids, and a goose he boasted was ‘As big as a 14-year-old masseuse.’ He assured my wife and me that things were going to be different from now on, vowed to keep the spirit of Epstein alive all through the year, and promised to pay for our daughter’s surgery. I told him my daughter didn’t need surgery, and he said I was wrong, and that her ‘cans’ were ‘way too small.’ She’s 16! I think I’m finally done with this shit.”
Just before press time, Trump released a follow-up post reading “God bless us, everyone. Including me and other pedophiles.”
