BURLINGTON, Mass. — ICE agent Wayne Almeida attempted to pick up women at a local bar by showing off his dubious scars, according to amused waitstaff.
“There’s no better way to demonstrate to a woman that you’re an alpha dog than showing proof that you’ve survived some serious bodily harm,” said Almeida. “In my line of work, I’m confronted with physical danger on a daily basis, and I’ve got the scars to prove it. It’s a no-brainer that I’d use those scars to entice females. I’ll usually sidle up to some attractive ladies at the bar and strike up a convo. Then, to seal the deal, I’ll pull up my sleeve and show the scar I got when I took down this really tough eleven-year-old Guatemalan girl and scraped my arm on her piccolo case.”
At least one of the women Almeida had approached was decidedly unimpressed.
“My co-worker and I just wanted to go out and get a drink, and then this meathead started bothering us,” said Gretchen Masterson. “His efforts at impressing us with being an ICE agent didn’t work on us, of course. He had no idea my friend and I are both civil rights attorneys. Then he started in with the scar. He was vague at first, but we managed to get him to admit he was injured while trying to snatch a little girl while she waited for the school bus. We made it clear we thought he was a disgusting fascist and he slunk off, muttering some threats about having us deported.”
Pickup artist and influencer Scott Hampton suggests that Almeida embellish his story to make himself more appealing to women.
“I would tell Wayne that while scars are indeed attractive to females, he may need to use a little ‘poetic license’ regarding how he got them,” said Hampton. “You don’t have to say you got the scar from taking down a kid. Go ahead and lie—who’s gonna know? Tell them you got it while single-handedly neutralizing half a dozen Tren de Aragua gangbangers, for instance. I tell my followers to lie all the time. It’s really their only option. No offense, but there’s no way those incels are going to get laid by being honest about themselves.”
At press time, Almeida was now telling women he got the scar while tackling half a dozen little kids after misunderstanding the pickup artist’s advice.
