GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Michael Murphy, a 43-year-old insurance salesman suffering from shortness of breath, elevated cholesterol, undiagnosed GI issues and high blood pressure, finally prioritized his health last Tuesday with a visit to his doctor to talk about his penis and nothing else, confirmed sources.
“People are surprised when they find out I’m actually super into health and wellness,” said a visibly bleeding Murphy. “I only consume energy drinks made without Red 40 additives, never miss a dose of my gas station hard-on supplements and cold plunge three times a day. I’ve done my research and the prescription I’ve just received from my doctor is safe, effective, and most importantly, redirects the blood flow from my brain right into my penis where I can actually use it. It’s absolutely critical I have access to more dick-blood. It’s pretty fucked up how much insurance companies will have us pay for it. I know this lady who gets a whole month’s worth of insulin for the same amount I pay for each erection. Men’s health issues are so often ignored and it’s just not right. My ability to fire the cannon at will is just as important as anyone’s pancreas.”
Murphy’s wife appeared to be worried about her husband’s misdirected obsession with his health.
“I’ve been pushing Michael to see a doctor ever since we met so I’m relieved to see he’s finally doing it,” said Catherine Murphy. “His health has really deteriorated over the last few years. I’ve pretty much given up on doing his laundry and just buy him a new pack of boxers each week on account of whatever GI issues he’s got going on. Michael told me he was seeing a doctor last year but it turned out the ‘doctor’ was actually just a cashier at the Exxon on Interstate 96 that sells him Extendzz and has taken a disturbing interest in Michael’s collection of abnormal back moles. He’s assured me that this time around he’s seeing a doctor that’s been to college and everything. I’m so relieved he’s getting help for his many physical ailments.”
Dr. Gavin Hearst, Murphy’s physician, originally declined to comment citing patient-doctor confidentiality but eventually had a change of heart.
“Fuck it. Yeah, Murphy is a patient of mine. He definitely has a severe case of gout although it was a little hard to diagnose with his pants around his ankles,” said Dr. Hearst. “He had his penis out the entire visit and wouldn’t stop talking about his dick. I’m a podiatrist for Christ sake! I eventually just wrote him a script and told him to get the hell out of my office. You’d be surprised how many patients I’ve had to tell to keep it in their pants. I’ve been considering becoming a proctologist in the hopes of seeing less genitalia.”
At press time, Murphy was seen waiting in line for the bathroom at Exxon Mobile, holding the ruler attached to the restroom key and visibly clenching his butt cheeks.