Oh man, we really need to do more research before we set up our interviews. To be fair, we are not huge nu-metalheads, but that’s really no excuse. It only would have taken the most rudimentary amount of research to learn that Slipknot does not have any large, machete-wielding percussionists who wear hockey masks, so truly, we’re sorry about this. We just went full-speed ahead because we were so focused on all the clicks we’d be getting, and we weren’t thinking clearly. Again, our bad. Anyway, here’s a recap of our completely misguided attempt to interview Jason Voorhees.
We should have known something was up when the only way we were able to get him to sit down was by putting on an old, beige sweater and pretending to scold him like his mother did. Nevertheless, once he was seated across from us, we proceeded to ask him about his experience recording “Iowa,” only to be met with complete silence and a slowly rising machete. Suffice it to say, the interview came to a fairly abrupt halt when Jason stood up and started trying to decapitate us.
You could imagine our confusion as we were running for our lives from what we still assumed was a member of a prominent nu-metal band. It was only after we stumbled into that isolated shed in the woods and came across the corpse of our intern Dustin hanging upside-down from the ceiling that we realized this was not a Slipknot member thirsting for our blood. Apparently Dustin had been smoking grass in the woods during pre-marital sex again. We made a mental note to send his parents a bereavement basket and hid in a batch of what we later learned was poison sumac until Jason presumably got sick of us and gave up.
So yeah, we’re alive, thankfully, but that’s pretty small consolation when you’re completely covered in maddeningly itchy, blistering rashes. The worst part is, our editor is still expecting a full transcript of our Slipknot interview on his desk by next week. We’re hoping to overshadow our fuckup by crushing our next interview, but we’re absolutely going to have to double-check our appointment with that guy who recently escaped from an insane asylum where he had been kept since he killed his sister and her boyfriend when he was six, because he might not in fact be the bassist for Mudvayne.