ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local teenage punk Mathias Schuler is teetering between the kind of punk that makes a positive impact on society or the type that ends up as a total piece of shit, confirmed sources wondering if there was a third option.
“I’m thinking of going to school for political science to enact real change in this world and maybe wrestle some control away from corporate America,” said Schuler while adding items to his Amazon shopping cart. “But then again, it’s gonna be all whiney lefties and dirty hippies. Plus there’s probably no money in that anyways. So I might just couch surf for a while, bumming beer and cigarettes and along the way. There are tons of freeloaders in society. If I set my goals high enough, one day I can be one of them.”
Schuler’s parents realize how precarious the situation is.
“Mathias’s father and I are just worried sick over the whole thing,” said mother Deborah Schuler. “Sometimes he’ll wear shirts from bands like Aus-Rotten or Defiance and we think we raised him right. But other times he’ll go on about how cool John Lydon is and we wonder where we went wrong. Just the other day he made insensitive comments towards the Latino community while wearing a Los Crudos shirt, and when we called him out on it he claimed he was only saying what Darby Crash said in ‘The Downfall of Western Civilization.’ I don’t know what to do.”
The teenager’s school principal weighed in on the matter.
“I actually have a bet going with his teachers about how he’ll end up,” said Principal Ernie Le Mans while smoking in the teacher’s lounge. “Last I checked the pool was over $1,000. Every year we see kids with Dead Kennedys patches and Crass butt flaps, but we know most of them will end up catcalling women from some construction site. But then again, we had a student that was a huge Skrewdriver fan some years ago that ended up as a lawyer for the ACLU, so you never know.”
At press time, the 14-year-old was seen stealing money from a charity donation box so he could give it to a different charity.