PARMA, Ohio — Local lummox Andrew Creosote felt a vague sense of accomplishment Tuesday morning when he uncharacteristically stood up triggering a congratulatory message from his Apple Watch, confirmed sources.
“I work from home and have been rewatching ‘The Sopranos,’ so no—I don’t move a lot,” Creosote revealed as the smell of boiling eggs filled his studio apartment. “I got this watch years ago as a way to discreetly check messages, but I immediately had to disable most of the settings because the High Heart Rate notification was broken and would not stop waking me up. I honestly forgot this thing doubled as a fitness tracker, but I think I’m finally ready to take my health more seriously. It sounds silly, but my watch saying ‘Good Job!’ actually did motivate me to start standing once every four hours.”
Creosote’s primary care physician Chris Stauffer agreed that standing is important.
“Standing is always preferable to being sedentary, but—well,” Stauffer trailed off. “I know this is a major HIPAA violation, but I’ve never met anyone like Andrew. By all accounts, the odds of him still being alive are astronomical—impossible, even. His average daily steps can be explained by five trips from the couch to the kitchen along with occasional bathroom outings depending on the variety of snacks consumed with a near-zero margin of error. If standing is the first step, I sincerely hope he takes many more.”
Apple CEO Tim Cook says this type of positive trajectory is exactly why the Apple Watch has been such a commercial success.
“Apple is a lifestyle company, but we’re well aware that for every athletic influencer, there are thousands of Andrews,” Cook admitted while nonchalantly dismissing an Arby’s notification. “While some of our more exceptional customers may utilize the Apple Watch’s emergency satellite services when lost on Mount Kilimanjaro—a feature only available when paired with an iPhone that supports this functionality—others just need basic safeguards and reminders on how to stand, wash their hands, or sleep—you know, things you learn when you’re a toddler.”
At press time, Creosote set a goal to stand a good five or six times a day with the hopes to walk a 5K within the next 10 years.