LINKÖPING, Sweden — An American punk backpacking through Europe reportedly refused to learn simple key phrases for the countries he is visiting, opting instead to just be able to say “Nice shirt, name three songs” in various dialects, confirmed sources.
“Most American tourists disrespect other cultures by expecting everyone to speak English. I’ve taken the time to learn the essentials which involves challenging strangers to justify wearing band merch,” said 23-year-old Connor Morris while sipping an alcohol-free Snaps hoping someone will ask about his Rites of Spring shirt. “I also did research on the local punk scene in every country I am visiting. It is only polite to demand a German girl name a Die Ärzte song that was released before the wall fell in her native tongue.”
Locals have had mixed reactions to Whitney’s supposed “cultural fluency,” especially women who say they’d prefer the usual brand of English-speaking hostility.
“He saw my Touché Amoré and shouted, ‘Fin tröja. Nämn tre låtar!’ I asked him if he liked the new record, and he just blinked at me and repeated, ‘Fin tröja. Nämn tre låtar,’ over and over,” said Elsa Vikström, a Swedish record store clerk. “At first I thought it was a bit, but then I realized he only knows that one phrase. I actually speak fluent English but I wasn’t going to let him know that. I wish he’d just yell English at me like I’m hard of hearing like a normal American. His multi-linguistic brand of cross-continental gatekeeping is exhausting.”
Experts say that Whitney’s behavior, while irritating, is not entirely uncommon among subcultural tourists.
“Every culture has their own way of gatekeeping music scenes,” said travel sociologist Dr. Hannah Morrell, who studies hostel subcultures abroad. “In Spain, it’s more about accusing you of only knowing the greatest hits. In Italy, they’ll ask where you saw the band live. In the Balkans, they make fun of you if you don’t own an album on cassette tape. There’s no universal phrase for ‘poser,’ but energy is universal.”
At press time, Whitney had reportedly learned, “Do I have the right to an attorney?” in both French and Dutch.