ANN ARBOR, Mich. — The very fabric of space and time which holds the universe together began to unravel after punk band Torch Failure began their set at the exact time they were billed to perform, confirmed sources who could only describe the event as a cataclysmic celestial phenomenon.
“We only started on time because we had to return the van by 10 p.m., but the second we started playing the ground started shaking and lightning spewing portals began atomizing the crowd. If we had just waited five minutes, we would have avoided tearing apart our observable reality and our drummer wouldn’t have morphed into several creatures beyond human comprehension before evaporating into thin air,” said vocalist Stan Jenkins. “Worst of all, our label rep was torn in half when that specific pocket of the universe he was standing in ceased to exist so we can kiss our advance goodbye too.”
The venue owner was frustrated that the band refused to heed his advice about starting on time.
“I have two rules: don’t snort coke in the handicap stall and never start your set on time. It’s not about building anticipation; it’s about the laws of physics that dictate punk bands can only start playing no less than an hour after they’re supposed to go on. Now the ground is swallowing up buildings whole while space and time are folding in upon itself,” said Michael Wallace. “Now that existence is imploding, there’s no way I’m going to recoup the promotion expenses for the show. I’ve always said that every punk band needs to take at least one MIT level metaphysics course before learning any chords.”
Theoretical physicists confirmed that the death of the universe was unfortunate but was a long time coming.
“It seemed impossible, given it was thought there was no chance a punk band would do the least punk thing possible and be punctual. It’s equivalent to trying to push two positive sides of a magnet together and they actually click. But at this rate our entire galaxy is going to be turned inside out thanks to those poseurs,” said Dr. Erica Shaker. “Honestly, we’ve been hypothesizing for decades that a divergence from the laws of nature could lead to our undoing. There’s multiple papers about reality unraveling if Morrissey played every show of a tour without cancelling.”
As of press time, the band announced they’d be at the merch table in case anyone wanted to buy a shirt before existence was reduced to nothing.