Nu-metal really was a fantastically underrated genre, and society has suffered from it not being in the mainstream for the past two decades. Luckily, thanks to Gen Z and Tik Tok, we’re now experiencing a revival of sorts, which certainly works out in my favor. You see, I’m the nu-metal ice cream truck driver from Coal Chamber’s self-titled album cover, and I’m pleased to announce my new expanded menu.
Back when I was at my peak level of popularity, my services were woefully limited. I was young and inexperienced, and my only offering was forcing a View-Master that showed footage of Coal Chamber playing music onto people’s eyes as shown in the “Loco” music video. Unfortunately, this wasn’t generating the revenue stream that I had hoped, and I went out of business shortly thereafter. I won’t go into detail about how I’ve been able to stay afloat financially for the last 20 years, but suffice it to say going back to my old job will certainly be welcomed. Now I’m able to see the error of my past ways, and have made the necessary alterations to ensure I can make a living in my favorite vocation.
But here I am, back in business and ready to peddle my wares to an entirely new generation of down-tuned guitar and choker necklace enthusiasts. I’ve learned my lesson this time, and am proud to now offer Blue Bunny Big Dipper Vanilla Cones and Good Humor Strawberry Shortcake bars in addition to my signature line of bizarre visual assaults. You’re going to love these delicious goodies intertwined with my predatory advances! A good businessman adapts his products to match his customers’ ever-changing demands, and with these new items, I’m really hoping to stand apart from your typical nu-metal ice cream man. But don’t just take my word for it. I can’t wait for you to see for yourself!
So, given that my health permit from the State of Florida is still pending and highly unlikely to be approved, come on out and cool off with one of my sweet new treats before I inevitably get shut down for endangering the well-being of neighborhood children. Just don’t tell your parents about it!