Few mythological tales are as legendary as the epic battle waged between the Greeks and the Trojans over the kidnapping of ancient civilization’s Sydney Sweeney of the time, Helen of Troy. Lots of lessons can be learned from the tale, the main takeaway of the story though was that Helen was so maddeningly beautiful, thousands of men were willing to fight a ten year war over whose house she was going to live in.
And if myths truly are parables that help us understand human nature then it should help explain how Emily Brown, the 19-year-old hostess of suburban Applebees has become the next Helen of Troy ever since the restaurant’s line cook and mid shift bartender have been waging war over her affections.
It’s no secret that Emily is considered the most beautiful employee here. And according to the restaurant group chat, her looks are even coveted as far and wide as the Chili’s down the road. And that fact has not gone unnoticed by Kevin, the afternoon bartender, and Mike, the veteran line cook, who have been angling to be seen with her after work since the minute she arrived for orientation.
“Last week I finally agreed to hang out with Mike, but I guess Kevin intentionally comped him a drink with Ex-Lax in it. And while Mike was shitting his pants in the employee bathroom Kevin invited me to see his friends show, and now I can barely walk five feet without one of these idiots nearly getting in a fist fight to ask me out at the same time. It’s 3 pm on a Tuesday, like calm down.”
It’s hard to tell who will come out on top when they are so evenly matched as well: both are ten years Emily’s senior, own cars with more than 200,000 miles on the odometer, and have either dated, been in a situationship, or had an awkward one night stand with several previous hostesses. However, Mike does have a slight advantage here due to the fact that he can operate a microwave and rthermalizer while Kevin has already burned his two strikes for comping drinks to underage co-workers. It’ll all come down to which guy Emily can see herself lowering her standards for. But being that she’s the face that launched a thousand (unsolicited) dick pics, it’s likely she’ll be settling to call HR first.