NEW YORK — Columbia University agreed to re-hire several prominent phrenologists in a bid to quell President Trump’s threat of federal budget cuts, confirmed sources.
“It’s a pleasure to be employed again,” shared Dr. Atticus Johnhawk while placing an 1832 marble mapped brain on his desk. “President Trump is a brilliant man. No wonder he’s chosen his unique hairstyle, it hides the many bumps on his skull. As you know, more bumps means bigger brains, and that’s how we can tell who is a genius. It’s science. This has nothing to do with him being a member of the Aryan race, though I am also proudly a member and a leg-up never hurts. Now let’s get Columbia to do something about all those smooth-skulled foreign protestors. I’m happy to personally make recommendations to ICE after examining the skull textures of students on international visas. It’s the least I can do for my country.”
Columbia Dean Josef Sorett optimistically opined while practicing handshakes with a President Trump mannequin.
“I like to say ‘Classics never go out of style’ when it comes to re-introducing phrenology to the student experience,” shared Sorett while testing gentle kisses on the Trump mannequin. “We’ve made student protests completely illegal since we know how hurtful they are to our wise, brilliant leader. I just want him to know how hard we are working to keep him happy. We’re bringing back our undergraduate degree in Eugenics, with a special course taught by Roseanne Barr. Plus we’re re-segregating the quad space, an inspired touch from our Provost.”
Columbia freshman Colt Jackson-Smith has embraced the conservative makeover on the once historically liberal campus.
“I’m MAGA through and through, so I’m glad to see Columbia finally getting some sense knocked into them,” shared Jackson-Smith while pausing his Joe Rogan stream. “They even encouraged me to post my old blackface photos. That shit would’ve gotten me cancelled a year ago. Now it’s extra credit. It’s still concerning to know that just outside the campus is a liberal hellscape as threatening and diverse as New York City. But I think of Dylan Roof and know that everything is going to be OK. Columbia is truly a sanctuary campus—specifically for me, a proud white male republican.”
At press time, Columbia additionally made announcements within the College of Physicians and Surgeons to reintroduce medicinal leeching and mercury ingestion per new federal guidelines.