CHATSWORTH, Calif. — Lucky Luke’s Powersports, Southern California’s number one motorcycle dealership, announced a new package that includes huge savings on a casket with each new bike purchase, sources confirmed.
“We don’t have a lot of repeat customers here. Our demographic is mainly young men who buy a brand new Kawasaki Ninja 650 on a Friday, and die in a horrific accident by Sunday. We can’t buy the bikes back because they are always smashed to shit, so we brainstormed and came up with the idea of offering premium caskets with each purchase,” said lead salesman Tony Cortez. “The promotion didn’t get a lot of traction at first, but then we started selling these things like hot cakes. We started showing everyone who walked in the door the statistics of how likely they are to die in a motorcycle accident, and now almost every bike we sell has a casket add-on. These consumers may be reckless drivers who fly down the highway at 150 miles per hour, but they aren’t stupid.”
New motorcycle owner Andy Babayan admits he was hesitant about the casket deal at first.
“I crunched the numbers, and I’m not going to find a casket this cheap anywhere else. My plan is to die of old age in 50 years, and this casket will be waiting. When I told that to my salesman he spit out his coffee laughing, and said something about how I’ll be lucky if I live the next 50 days if I ride this bike more than once a week,” said Babayan. “When I told my mom I got a motorcycle she started crying and immediately got on the phone to start making funeral arrangements. But you know what? Dying young is worth it if I die in a cool way, like flying 75 feet through the air and smashing into the back of a dump truck.”
Local craftsmen are overloaded with work to fulfill casket orders.
“Luke’s takes pride in the caskets they sell. You aren’t going to be buying some pine box that will be lousy with worms eating your corpse in less than two days. No, you are getting a mahogany masterpiece that is hand-crafted by some of the best casket artisans in California,” said carpenter Jake Lobel. “And the upholstery on these things is magnificent. I hope everyone gets to see inside these things before their loved one dies, because you won’t be able to see the ornate craftsmanship of the inside because every motorcycle accident funeral is closed casket.”
Thanks to the popularity of the casket discounts, Lucky Luke’s Motorsports decided to offer a paid mourners package to make customers seem more popular at their funerals.