SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local 13-year-old Elliot Johnson was reportedly crossing his fingers today hoping that his dad would never come back after heading out for cotton candy vape juice, confirmed sources.
“Every Saturday my old man makes a big deal about how he’s going out for cotton candy vape juice so loud the neighbors can hear, and I always pray this is the day he finally doesn’t embarrass me by coming home in a cloud of unicorn farts,” said Elliot, slamming his bedroom door. “All my friends’ dads went out for smokes and abandoned them, but my dad always comes back a few hours later smelling like a rainbow clown wig, saying some weird shit like ‘It’s me Darth Vaper, I am your Father’ before giving me a big hug and asking about my day.”
Father Jimmy Johnson revealed that the reason he leaves for so long is that it’s hard to find his favorite ‘Bussin Labs Cotton Candy Crave’ vape juice at the local stores.
“I know three hours roundtrip is a long time to sit on my ‘gyat’ in my ‘whip’ away from my ‘fam’ each week, but there’s only one shop in the county ‘bussin’ enough to carry my favorite vape juice and weekly supply of Feastables,” said the 55-year-old accountant, putting on his reading glasses to check the receipt. “Then it always takes me about 20 minutes to convince the liquor store guy that the Buzzballz and alcoholic Monster energy are for me, and not for the teenagers hanging outside. But it’s all worth it to see the ‘skibidi’ look on my kid’s face when I finally come back from the store.”
Mr. Johnson’s own estranged dad, Clyde Johnson, criticized his son’s juvenile commitment to his family.
“It’s high time that Jimmy stopped with this cotton candy nonsense, switched to some fuckin’ Marlboros, and abandoned his family like a real man,” said the 85-year-old, ashing his cigarette on an old family photo. “When I was his age I had already abandoned my second family and knocked up a stripper 20 years younger than me all on a plumber’s salary. How is Elliott ever gonna learn to be a man if his dad is always appearing out of a fruity pebble cloud like David Copperfield when he shows up to all of his music recitals and baseball games?”
At press time, Elliot Johnson was reportedly mortified after his dad had signed them up for Mr. Beast’s “The Sex Talk Puberty Elimination Challenge.”