CORTLAND, N.Y. — Local man Thomas Harper mistakenly ordered a large number of CDs by nu-metal band Powerman 5000 in a frenzied attempt to purchase boner pills, confirmed sources who have made that exact error in judgement.
“Okay, listen. There comes a time in every man’s life when he needs a little, or maybe even a large, amount of help in the ‘manhood department,’” Harper explained. “So I hope getting hung up on that won’t take away from the fact that I’m still suffering, but now as the owner of 800 CDs of ‘Tonight the Stars Revolt!’ Not to mention, I still can’t even get it up. You know how embarrassing it is to have people think you’re bonerless AND have shit taste in music? I wouldn’t wish it even on my most erection-deficient enemies.”
Powerman 5000 frontman Michael David Cummings, known professionally as Spider One, says his excitement towards his band’s rise in popularity was short-lived.
“For the first time in my life, I thought I could prove to my brother Rob (Zombie) that I wasn’t just riding his scraggly, flea-infested coattails and that people were finally coming around to truly appreciate Powerman 5000, a band name that many have mistaken for a product sold at GNC,” Cummings said. “But nope. Someone was just trying to buy pills to treat their erectile dysfunction again, goddamnit. I should just give up on the space-themed nu-metal shtick, and go into selling Viagra knockoffs, I imagine I’d be much richer and fulfilled.”
Nu-metal expert Derek “Monkeybone” Turner claims these types of mix-ups are unfortunately all too common in the scene.
“Normies just don’t get it. They didn’t when I was walking around the mall in JNCOs at age 13, and they still don’t when I do it at 41,” Turner said. “They’re always getting their boring, conformist, mundane stink all over our culture. Some asshole nearly brought Wayne Static back to life recently with how many Static-X albums he bought looking for something to remove the static electricity from his monkey suit. Slipknot were right, people do equal shit.”
At press time, Powerman 5000 were hopeful that a recent nostalgia for late ‘90s console games could be just what they needed to jumpstart their career.