PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local man Nate Weiss is reportedly struggling to make his relationship work after girlfriend Julia Shepard moved into a new building with a pretty challenging parking situation, increasingly stressed sources confirmed.
“I can’t believe this is my life now. We can’t even make it to the end of a movie before I have to move my Nissan! She doesn’t have a car since we’d just drive everywhere together. But now she’s a whole 20 minutes away so it’s a long-distance relationship, and she makes me pick her up to do everything. I’m a glorified chauffeur,” said Weiss. “And when I’m not looking for parking, I’m constantly on the clock, running back out to move to the other side of the street. I love her, but not more than I hate parallel parking.”
Shepard didn’t see what the big deal was.
“Oh, but the new apartment is great. There’s the Superman building right there—if you can look past that giant glowing Snookers sign,” said Shepard. “Sure, the parking’s a little tricky. You can only park on one side for two hours before you have to move, so it’s no biggie. I mean, it was an extra 25 bucks a month for a spot, so I just really didn’t think it was worth it. Besides, they say if your relationship can withstand alternate-side parking rules, it’s meant to be.”
Zaire Gray is a relationship counselor who’s built a career helping couples navigate exactly this kind of thing.
“Relationships aren’t just about love. It has to be a consideration of what works for everyone. I don’t want to say it’s all logistics, but it is certainly, in part, logistics,” said Gray. “Back when I was living in New York, I was dating this great girl. We were both on the Upper East Side—we’d walk and meet in the middle for dinner, and stay at each other’s apartments. Life was good! Until she moved to Brooklyn. That’s when I decided the woman on 1st and 86th was my soulmate. She’s my wife now.”
At press time, Weiss was seen drafting a breakup text after realizing his favorite restaurant doesn’t deliver all the way to Shepard’s new apartment.