HOUSTON — A local 39-year-old Rockets fan’s entire financial future is dependent on hitting a promotional half-court shot worth $100,000, said nearby sources.
“I don’t have any savings, so winning this cash is basically my one and only chance to retire with any kind of dignity,” stated Matt Barnes as he saved some of his nachos for dinner later. “My day job doesn’t offer a 401(k) and my numerous side hustles are barely good enough to keep my head above water. To say that everything rests on hitting this bucket is an understatement. I know it’s a bit desperate but what else am I supposed to do? My only other option is waiting for a relative to die and hoping that they leave me some hidden money that I know they don’t have. Yup, my weird Uncle Gary is Plan B. There is no Plan C.”
Rockets owner Tilman Fertitta sitting courtside described what he witnessed.
“I’ve always thought these promotions were really cool, but hearing about this guy’s stakes on the shot, I’m actually turned on!” said the billionaire. “I just figured fans who win this cash would likely just splurge on something fun like a Land Rover or another trip to the Maldives like I would do, but apparently if this guy doesn’t sink it he could be homeless in a few years. Almost makes me feel guilty about how much money I’m making every second of every day for fuck knows what reason. Almost.”
Director of Sports Marketing Julia Markovic explained how people are signing up for these events out of desperation.
“According to our research, more and more fans are attending live sports for the sole reason of trying to win some dough to afford the basics of life,” Markovic said. “Eight percent of half-court shot participants said they needed the money for housing, while the other twenty percent said they required it to afford groceries or pay for a surgery they couldn’t afford. Others polled said they attend games in the hopes of catching some merch from the t-shirt cannon in order to layer it on at night when their landlords cut the heat in their basement apartments.”
As of press time, a dejected Barnes was seen outside the arena waiting for the team bus to drive out in the hopes it would clip him so he could collect insurance money.