DENVER — A recent report from social psychologists at the University of Denver revealed that members of the local ska band Bug Wife are regrettably too ugly to appear in their own music videos.
“We’ve got a combined academic career spanning over 60 years, specifically researching interpersonal attraction in niche local music scenes and I feel like we’ve finally made a massive breakthrough,” said tenured professor Victoria Skaggs. “I mean, these guys are talented and confident, which is usually enough for listeners to get over the whole acne ridden pug-like faces thing, but nope! Not the case here. Sure, it’s probably heartbreaking for the band and all but I think from an ethics standpoint, the general public should be spared from looking at these freaks. It’s just the most humane thing to do.”
Meanwhile, members of Bug Wife are struggling to come to terms with their negative public image.
“This sucks. As a band, all we wanted to do was rent out a sick ‘66 Thunderbird, engage in quirky yet relatable scenarios across town, and end up laying down on the beach at dusk. But, I guess we’re too hideous for that,” said rhythm guitarist and notable uggo Robert Thines through the brown paper bag over his head. “Sure, we’re not the second coming of Beatlemania or whatever, but we don’t care about that. Our audience doesn’t judge our music based off our album covers, which just, by pure coincidence, don’t feature any of our faces.”
Alonso Jiménez, the music video director who was slated to direct Bug Wife’s latest video, also came out against the band.
“Look, I’m not going to sugarcoat it. These monsters are grotesque. There’s no amount of lighting, makeup, costuming, editing, manipulation, or gaslighting that we can do to make these rubber halloween masks come-to-life look fuckable,” said an exhausted Jiménez rocking back and forth. “We need to hire actors, or honestly, anyone besides these guys. One of them even suggested a lyric video with handwritten words on the screen, which I thought could work. But no, somehow I could still feel their nauseatingly deformed faces behind the words.”
At press time, Bug Wife’s manager posted a casting call for “solid 5s or 6s” to stand in for the band when performing live on their upcoming tour.