BALTIMORE — A new report issued by John Hopkins University revealed local woman Cassie Maloney is showing early signs of settling for a partner that does not even come close to meeting her expectations, confirmed horrified sources.
“All of our evidence points to Cassie living below her relationship means earlier than is typical,” said researcher Abby Gomes. “She’s been demonstrating unsettling signs too. For instance, she simply wants someone who will ask her how her day went, but she seems to have settled for a guy who would rather give a 45-minute rundown of the latest Joe Rogan podcast episode, even though he ‘only listens to him for the guests.’ It’s one thing if this is occurring 20 years into the relationship, but we have observed this happen on their third overall date. And yet she hasn’t ghosted him yet nor posted a six-minute exposé about the atrocious dates on TikTok. Troubling behavior.”
Maloney seemed to have no shame in settling.
“Sure, my wants, needs, expectations, sexual urges, and deepest desires aren’t being fulfilled, but it’s nice to have someone to talk to, even though he does most of the talking and it’s about his crypto investments,” said Gomes. “Hey, it could be worse. I could be in one of those loveless marriages for decades. At least Kevin and I have a few things in common, like we both enjoy watching ‘White Lotus.’ Well, I mean, I do while he stares at his phone the whole time and occasionally asks me what’s going on. It may not be perfect, but it’s conveniently adequate.”
Relationship experts didn’t think settling was so bad in the modern dating world.
“There are some unique benefits to settling, especially so early,” said psychologist Faye Dunning. “For example, you no longer have to go through a rigorous dating process. Just pick a partner and roll with that until it overstays its welcome five years longer than it should. Also, at one point you’ll have dual incomes which should be almost enough to afford rent and maybe even some groceries. And finally, if you value alone time, you’ll surely have a lot of that since even being around this person will make you feel completely alone in this world. Such a relief.”
At press time, Maloney revealed that she was breaking up with her partner, claiming that she can surely “settle for someone slightly better.”